Good Reasons

A husband, the owner of a new car,

was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession...

even to the grocery store

which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented,

cautioning her as she departed,

"Remember,

if you have an accident,

the newspaper will print your age!"

Good Relationship

"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day,

"what would you do

if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman

with MY husband?"

Mary thought it over.

"Let's see;

I'd break her cane,

shoot her guide dog,

and call a cab

to take her back

to the institution she escaped from."

Excited about marriage

Jacob, age 92,

and Rebecca, age 89,

are all excited about their decision

to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding

and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Jacob: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers yes.

Jacob: 'We're about to get married.

Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ' Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems,

arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.' Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?' Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?' Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

'We'd like to register here,

for our wedding gifts, please.'

Dearest Wife

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota,

who decided to go to Miami Beach

for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules,

and the wife ended up

on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida

and arrived at his hotel.

Upon getting to his room,

he decided to open his laptop

and send his wife back in Minneapolis

an email.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address!!

In South Carolina,

a widow had just returned

from the funeral of her husband,

a pastor of many years,

who had been called to glory

just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email

because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first email,

she let out a loud scream,

fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor.

He glanced up at the computer screen

and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:

I've just been checked in.

Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Fresh Marriage Breakfest !

Not long after their wedding,

Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning.

The couple had been up for quite a while

before they met up in the kitchen.

Marriage was agreeing with Scott,

and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy,

the newlywed bride,

"breakfast will be ready."

"Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott.

"Toast and juice," replied Tracy

Fortune

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you

your fortune and weight

and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife,

showing her a small, white card.

"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful

and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded,

"and it has your weight wrong, too!"

Wedding Definitions

 Bachelor:

1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

2. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

3. A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction.

4. A man who never makes the same mistake once.

5. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.

6. A person who believes in life, liberty,

and the happiness of pursuit.

7. A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce..

8. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

 Bride:

A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

 Childish game:

One at which your spouse beats you.

 Compromise:

An amiable arrangement between

husband and wife

whereby they agree to let her

have her own way.

 Diplomat:

A man who can convince his wife

she would look stout in a fur coat.

 Engagement:

A call to arms;

hence as day follows night,

divorce is disarmament.

 Gentleman:

1. A husband who steadies the stepladder

so that his wife will not fall

while she paints the ceiling.

2. A man who,

when his wife drops her knitting,

kicks it over to her

so that she can easily pick it up.

 Grand Slam Event:

The honeymoon.

 Housework:

What the wife does that nobody notices

until she doesn't do it.

 Husband:

1. A man who buys his football tickets

four months in advance

and waits until December 24

to do his Christmas shopping.

2. A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

 3. A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him.

4. A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss.

5. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

 Joint Checking Account:

 A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.

 Love:

An obsessive delusion

that is cured by marriage.

 Marital Freedom:

The liberty that allows a husband

to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

 Matrimony:

A knot tied by a preacher,

but untied by a lawyer.

 Miss:

A title with which we brand

unmarried women to indicate

that they are in the market.

   Mrs.:

A job title involving heavy duties,

light earnings, and no recognition.  

  Spinster:

A bachelor's wife.

 Spouse:

Someone who will stand by you

through all the trouble

you wouldn't have had

if you'd stayed single in the first place.

 Visionary:

Marrying a man with intentions

of changing and reforming him.

 Wedding Ring:

The world's smallest handcuffs.

 Wedlock:

The peace

of the double bed after

the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.

 Wife:

 A mate who is forever complaining

about not having anything to wear

at the very same time that

she complains about

not having enough room in the closet!